Tinfoil Hat Patrol, Vol. 1

In the first of what is likely an irregular series, I bring you The Tin-Foil Hat Patrol. This will place the spotlight on those conspiracy theories who use the legal system against the government in ways that show these pro se patriots clearly are a few eggs short of a dozen.

Meet Anthony P. Keyter. He has sued and sought criminal charges, among other things, from the following: George W. Bush; Bush, John Roberts, Alberto Gonzales and Robert Mueller; John McCain; Boeing; 230 Government Officers; John Ashcroft; Maureen Keyter (his likely ex-wife); Air India; Ford Motor Company; "443 Known Insurgents"; and the 535 members of the 110th Congress. According to him, 14,589 conspirators have conspired against him, 14,535 government officials and 54 others.

Now I know you must be thinking, "Just think of the legal fees he must be generating?" Alas, he is going pro se, partially because he likely cannot afford the fees and partially because no lawyer outside of a sanitarium would give Keyter the time of day.

Why not give Keyter the time of day? Well, he claims that George Bush ordered no action to be taken on this conspiracy to murden him despite Keyser's 64 letters to Bush regarding it. Keyter claims that the Supreme Court illegally removed evidence and failed to recuse all of its justices in the criminal complaint he filed with the Supreme Court against all of the justices for the supposed crimes the Court committed against him related to the attempt on Keyser's life.

These are just the tip of the iceberg. Keyser complains that on the eve of his Supreme Court filing against Bush, White House aides contacted Boeing with a scheme to kidnap him. The kidnapping failed, so they tried again, and in doing so ruined Keyser's career at Boeing. Somehow he also mentions that he was assigned to train Air India pilots to fly Boeing planes, and because he pointed out that the Indian pilots were lax on safety regulations, Air India told Boeing what had happened and Boeing and the US Government got together to attempt to kill him. Yikes.

Keyser claims that all law and order organizations in the government have refused to investigate his attempted kidnapping, so this means that the President, Congress and the heads of all Executive Agencies were involved in a Seditious Conspiracy to refuse to enforce the laws on the books. Keyser claims that President Obama was informed of the government's murder plot against Keyser in a meeting on January 7.

Yes, this is all a pretty rambling, silly synopsis of what he claims is the conspiracy directed by the tens of thousands of government officials against him. However, please understand that I take this information from his own synposis of his cases, and they are written by someone who clearly writes without regard for brevity or clarity.

Why does he sue everyone? Well, according to a judicial order in the Western District of Washington, it has all snowballed from the original divorce lawsuit against his ex-wife. When he got an unfavorable ruling, he appeared to take it out on an increasing number of people who were causing him problems in his divorce case. As the judge in Washington says:

Mr. Keyter was dissatisfied with the result of his divorce, and blamed the presiding judge, his former wife, and her attorney for the outcome. He then embarked on a campaign of communicating with government officials in an effort to correct what he believed to be a miscarriage of justice. When his efforts were unsuccessful, he named each of the officials with whom he communicated as a coconspirator. Numerous iterations of this process have led to Mr. Keyter’s current allegations, contained in a three volume “Dossier of Crimes” which he has filed in each of these cases.

As the court illustrates, it is evidently a natural progession from a divorce dispute gone wrong to an international conspiracy to kidnap and murder him at the highest levels of government. The judge also noted that Keyser's case could not be transferred to another judge in the district because every other judge in the district was already a co-conspirator in one of Keyser's lawsuits. Keyser continued to file these lawsuits despite the fact that the the Western District of Washington has barred him from filing these suits in the district any longer, and this order issued by the judge in August may have been the last straw.

Keyser seems to have figured out that his welcome was worn out in Washington, so he has filed criminal charges against all his conspirators now in the District of Massachusetts. This is despite the fact that a judge in Washington has told him private citizens cannot privately file criminal charges against others, even if they are not of the baseless sort that Keyser files.

What exactly does Keyser want to accomplish? I fail to believe even that the likely insane such as Keyser think that the same very courts who Keyser claims to be engaged in a conspiracy against him will grant him the relief that he seeks. If Keyser really believes that the Supreme Court is out to get him and that they destroy his filings and evidence and give the executive branch information about him, does he really think that the Supreme Court would allow Keyser to win a suit, either criminal or civil, in a district court? Or that Obama would not pardon anyone convicted in an attempt to kidnap Keyser. After all, Obama has knowledge and is complicit in all of this, according to Keyser. I fail to see what it is Keyser thinks he is accomplishing. He may be missing a few eggs, but he isn't completely clueless.

That may be the most insane part of Keyser. All governmental institutions are against Keyser, so he seeks redress in another governmental institution? Keyser thinks the judiciary is against him! It sounds like he is just going to go from jurisdiction to jurisdiction filing the same tired complaints until someone issues him a Bar Order. The problem is that the places he file suit just transfers the suits back to Washington, where the judges there have incredible restraint.

Keyser clearly needs to be doing something else with his time, but as long as he continues to file criminal charges against his past-employer, he likely won't be working any time soon.